Are you strong enough to be my man?

Always felt a connection to that Sheryl Crow song… ;o)

So nothing exciting going on in my sex life - just trusty Leo and Delight and Hibatchi Magic Wand….

Although there’s no sex (very disappointing) there is a new… something….

Or someone. I’m not sure how much physical connection is there.  But mentally and emotionally, we’ve really hit it off, and I’ve enjoyed our time and chats.  While it went into physical territory somewhat, nothing definitive to know whether the chemistry is there or not.  But regardless, he’s a new dear friend.

And those can be worth their weight in gold.  As another friend is pulling some selfish shit and I tried to talk it out, get everything out in the open, no accusations just telling her how I feel… and the fact that my feelings were hurt several times, hurts her feelings. So she’s defensive.  I’ve apologized even for things I shouldn’t have to apologize for, and nothing from her end.  It may be the end.  I’ve lost too many friends in the past few years, and just wish I knew why - is there something I am doing wrong?

Money has been extra tight, so I still don’t have the remote camera shutter release. I’ll try to get something up tomorrow but can’t promise it… I always seem to be disappointing someone recently.  As long as I’m not disappointing myself, I suppose that’s what matters most.

HNT

Lack of creative ideas… Still really need to get the remote shutter release

Collarbone/nape… a favorite kissing spot….

A strange dream

I way overslept today.

I have to change and leave in 15 minutes. I am so lucky that someone rang the wrong doorbell or I’d miss where I have to be.

I was woken up during the wrong part of REM cycle. I had a BIZARRE dream with a D/s twist….

I was at event/party sitting next to a guy, I was VERY attracted to him. A girl came over and sat on his lap, I wanted to do something with both of them. But my brother and grandmother were in the room. I was waiting, hoping they’d leave. But I was my grandmother’s ride home, and I was tired as well. I knew nothing could happen, and I knew I was too tired to take her home and then return. I wished my brother (half brother, not related to her) would take her home instead.

The strange part of it was this guy wanted to clean my teeth with a dental pick that was disgustingly dirty. I let him. He gave it to me and said whenever I set my purse down, put it down on the ground, and use this pick. It was disgusting, but I agreed. And was back to wishing my brother would leave and take my grandmother with him when the doorbell (in real life) rang.

I now have about 12 minutes but was trying to clear the fog from my brain. I need to drive a distance so I can’t be driving while not fully conscious. I may be a few minutes late….

HNT

Happy HNT! (Yes, that’s the wall. Yes, I left a scuff mark. Yes, I need a vacuum cleaner, mine broke, and it wasn’t cheap to start with. I owe taxes, so I can’t afford one at the moment! ;o) Anyway, that’s why no floor shots.)

(click through is a blurry outtake but humorous….)

Spring Green

Some of us are lacking green this spring…. Z is in need of some assistance, if you are feeling particularly flush, perhaps you can show your appreciation for her wonderful blog? Oh yeah. You’ll be rewarded with more boobies if you do! Including mine, I just offered my services.

And while you are in the generous spirit, I’d like to encourage you to support RAINN. April is National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. I’ve been a supporter for a long time of the Rape and Incest National Network (RAINN). The hotline is 1-800-656-HOPE and online at www.rainn.org. They are working on getting the online hotline operational 24/7 - this is an amazing resource for those scared to reach out. If you need a friendly ear, please call them - it’s free, confidential, and anonymous.

A year before RAINN was founded, I was raped. At the time, I didn’t know enough to consider it rape. I was a senior in high school, visiting a college. Someone I barely knew from high school was hosting me for the weekend, and took me to a frat party. I started hooking up with a guy, and went to his room with him. Now, I had attended Catholic all-girls high school. I had not slept with anyone I didn’t want to sleep with him. But when things reached the point they did, even though I said no, he still had sex with me. Guilt from putting myself in the position in the first place just made me feel like I had no choice. I was slightly drunk, but not completely so. I said no. Once, maybe twice, maybe three times. I didn’t force it, I didn’t fight it. He didn’t force me or restrain me. I just waited for it to be over.

Four years later, I watched a cheesy made-for-TV Monday night movie, which was about a rape on a college campus at a frat house.

I called a friend. And for the first time, said to myself, and her, I think it was rape.

She was supportive, as supportive as she could be. We never discussed it after. I went to the campus therapist. She suggested I write a letter (not to be mailed) to the guy. I didn’t go back.

I attended the college where I was raped. For four years.

I often spent time at the same frat house where he was a member. I made many good friends there. I usually ignored him. Wondered if he remembered who I was. I always remember it not as rape, but as a drunken night that went too far. Most days, I still do.

What if….

What if my Catholic high school didn’t instill so much guilt in me, that instead of thinking “I’ve been drinking and I’m in bed mostly naked with him, what else can I do? What other choice do I have?”

What if my friend, or the college counselor, helped define whether it was rape or not, and whether I had any legal rights to pursue the matter?

What if the counselor had half a brain and could help the victim of an assault with more than a “Let’s get your feelings out on paper” - and followed up with me when I didn’t return to her office?

What if RAINN had been around before this, and I had been more aware of my rights, of the support available to me?

RAINN is not only a supportive voice when it’s needed most, it’s also about education and awareness. What if this didn’t have to happen to anyone else?

HNT

If I would show you my eyes, you’d see this color really brings out the blue in them… ;o)

clicky click! (and it’s a strange perspective I know! Like I got half a boob job…)

(If you are using a feed reader or stumble on as soon as I post, it may take a few tries to get the click through to work. So check back on the site in a few minutes!)

As for my cold, I’m utterly miserable, can’t breathe. So happy I took these pics the other day!! I’m a few sniffles away from asking for a volunteer to come rub some vicks vaporub on me…

I believe it’s official…

I really am sorry for the lack of fun content and missing some HNTs.  Starting with family members in hospital (all doing swell, thanks), catching up on work I missed because of that, my minor outpatient surgery, what I thought were just bad allergies, getting drunk on Friday and having a sore throat all weekend that I blamed on puking but that’s not why….

I am now or I am getting sick.  This ain’t allergies.  Allergies are why I sneeze daily at work for the past, oh year or whatnot.  I get stuffed up from allergies.  My eyes water from the cold blustery wind. But there comes a point where something clicks and I say Uh-oh.  I try to live in denial, drown myself in fluids and vitamin C.  Sometimes, I can even make it through without missing work and getting back on my feet quickly….

So yeah. Just what you want to hear me whine about.  But I’ll have some HNT pics up this week, if not anything else.  Not that there’s anything that exciting to write about.

Well except for the masturbatathon fun on Saturday (which I feel a tad weird about in hindsight, but I got an amazing orgasm out of!), flirting Friday (which I do hope went as well from his point of view, as mine is a tad blurry!), and a handful of interesting emails from people on OK Cupid in the past few weeks - where I’m being a total wimp about the thought of meeting anyone in person - same as Fetlife.  The thought of a blind date, the stress, expectations, possible rejection…. UGH. It gives me a mini panic attack.  I would really be interested in meeting some of these people on a purely friend level however, and see where life takes us…  But right now I’m in whiny, sick, self-pitying mode (not quite as bad as tonight’s episode of Big Bang Theory in practice, but in my head? Yeah) so it ain’t happening anytime soon….

Oh, and my bizarre crush on someone (unaware of the blog, so if you are wondering it’s not you!) who isn’t quite as following up as I hoped for a drink/coffee or even responding to my comments on his blog… But there’s time for that, and places we are scheduled to both be at the same time. We shall see….

Mew.  I hate being sick.  And I have to rush tomorrow after work to get my car inspected before I get pulled over, as it expired today and I was too hung over Saturday to take care of it.  Nothing worse than doing that while you are sick

/pityparty. resume rest and healing.

Chat?

I’m not usually online for chats/IMs - I just prefer setting up a chat rather than having my time interrupted… But Dirty Little Mind has set up one with an interesting theme/activity. Go read her post here.  Make sure you understand all her rules she set up.  It’s today, starting in 12 minutes, running for 3 hours.

And maybe I’ll see you there??? I set up a Yahoo chat and have it open now, username is sabine.moss - but I have a few things to take care of around the house, starting with jumping in the bathtub now.  So I may be a tad late to the party.

Feel free to join, or to send me a private message on Yahoo messenger - if I don’t reply, I’m away from the computer, or too caught up in the excitement of DLM’s chatroom to tear myself away….

Happy Easter!

Blessed Ostara, Happy Easter, Happy Spring Equinox!! Whatever you celebrate, whatever the weather… Enjoy the weekend! (Not my pic, just something fun on the internet!)

Raincheck

Taking a raincheck on HNT this week - spent the day in the ER with a family member, and issues will still be going on tomorrow. (Nothing critical at this point, but keep your fingers crossed.)

Maybe I’ll catch up this weekend!